[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I’m too immature for adultery.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
a public service announcement
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.