I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
My background check bounced.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
doing your own taxes
Somebody’s lying.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?