No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.