A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
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Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
every college guy’s fridge
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.