*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310