My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
You Might Also Like
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics