[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
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“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
With this onion ring, I thee fed
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me after drinking all the wine:
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions