I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
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Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.