Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.