Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
When ur friends with white people
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat