Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
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me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
*watches the world burn*
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.