Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
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ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.