interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
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Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off