For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Meowchelangelo
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair