[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
m’lady
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?