Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
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I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂