Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Finally!
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
wtf is an acronym
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name