Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
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Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Bruh PLEASE
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
(Gaming support cat.)
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.