Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
same bro
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too