My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
i was baptized in a car wash
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Here’s a meme
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout