“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
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I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
back to work
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]