imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.