Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
You Might Also Like
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*3.5 thank you very much.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.