police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!