Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
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Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Beauty and the Beast
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
A woman drives into a bar.