Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
“TGIM!” – My liver
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.