Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.