I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
You Might Also Like
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours