Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
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Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
plant them where lol
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!