Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
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I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision