My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
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[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we鈥檙e even.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i鈥檓 ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware鈥檚 governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn鈥檛 there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Why don鈥檛 we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I鈥檇 stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn鈥檛 pay kids.
馃槣
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can鈥檛 be true because my parents still don鈥檛 like me
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don鈥檛 know how to clap. He鈥檚 been trying to teach me ever since. I鈥檓 hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
What鈥檚 the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
You attract more men when you smell like butter, saut茅ed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.