10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
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rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Ron is short for Aaronald
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.