wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
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A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Twitter fine art
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*