Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
(Gaming support cat.)
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.