Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
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99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper