You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”