The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
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Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me