I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
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That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Solving a traffic jam
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
We’ve come full circle
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.