People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life