my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m putting together a team
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.