Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
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It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written