The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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Breaking news:
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.