A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*