Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You Might Also Like
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat