Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan