If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
This is my brand.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that