[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
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Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.