cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep