I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
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I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
a lot to unpack here
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram