Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
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I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans